Posted by: mesabimisadventures | September 3, 2009

The Laughter I’ll Never Hear Again

I dreamt last night of a life that can never be.

It was a simple dream. 

My friend Jennie with a little brownhaired girl wrapped around her.  The little girl tossing her bouncy curls around and giggling as we waited in line outside of a zoo or amusement park or some other kid-friendly sorta’ place.  I never found out where we were going before my alarm rudely started blaring.

Just a simple dream.  Jennie and her daughter.  Me and my nieces.  Our old friend Mandy and an adorable little boy.  Just us.  Just standing in line. 

Just standing.  Just waiting.  Just laughing and just talking.

Nothing spectacular.  Not one of those dreams where you’re fighting pirates or scoring the winning run or running from the FBI fugitive-style.

It burst my soul into pieces.

I dreamt last night of a life that can never be.

Jennie is gone and she has been gone for almost 8 years since we were only 23 years old.  Taken away from all of us in a split second.  Car accident.  Here one minute.  Not here the next.  No chance to say good-bye.  No chance to mend fences.  No chance to tell her how highly I thought of her.  No chance to tell her what her friendship meant to my life.

Here one minute.  Not here the next.

In the spring of 1999, she asked me if I wanted to go on vacation with her that summer.  Somewhere neither of us had ever gone before.  I was a poor college student who knew the trip would be going on a credit card, but I still said yes.

That trip to Alaska was one of the most influential, life-changing trips I have ever taken and may ever take in my life.  But memories aren’t the same when the other half of the memories isn’t here anymore.  The memories lose a dimension when you attempt to share them with those that weren’t there.

Here one minute.  Not here the next.

I will never watch Jennie grow old.  In my dreams she remains 23, yet I grow older. 

I will never watch her raise the children she so desperately wanted.  She died while pregnant, full of hope for motherhood. 

I will never hear her laughter again.  Part mischievous, part pure, all Jennie.

“And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time” – What Sarah Said by Death Cab For Cutie



  1. Sad, lovely, lonely remembrance.

    • It’s amazing how grief never really leaves, it just hides away in corners and pops out at you when you least expect it.

  2. That’s really beautiful Julie your a great writer and I totally understand the way it feels when you wake from those dreams with Jennie Jo- I do believe with all my heart that we will hear her laughter again-

    • Thanks Mandy. I really hope we can get together soon and go visit Irene. Jennie’s family was the best 2nd family both of us could have had while growing up 🙂

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